Sunday, April 4, 2010

PD 199: poop

piss, pee, taking a leak, urinate, pass water, relieving oneself, number #1, wee- wee, piddle, drizzle, poop, shart, shit, mudbutt, crap, duce, number #2, dump, blowin it up, turds, doo doo, dookie, drop one, poo, poo-poo, depositing, soil

inappropriate, disgusting, personal,private, gross, nasty, natural, instinct, smelly, dirty, unsanitary.

its the feeling when you eat a whole 555 pizza from dominos, the damming sensation when you finished a 40oz. it all depends on how it hits you and where. wake up late to have your morning poop, youre going to be walking around all day wishing there was a open ten minutes where you can just poop in peace but you wont and you can take a peaceful poop in a public bathroom. you hold it in and your stomach starts to churn your beer shits into a solid boulder of pain and fire.
i like to call them my nine lives. the farts that lead up to the most painful or most satisfying poops. first fart is just a fart, then the second and third follow right after, a light goes off in your head and you are thinking, "warning, i need to poop...maybe?" you dont poop you just keep on with your day. 4,5, 6 , stomach pains and nervousness start to kick in, but you are most likely composed and functional, slight danger of sharting pants (depending on the types of farts 1-3 were, it is almost predetermined) farts 7, 8, 9 are the farts you know you can hold back, you know what to do.
you can gamble, take a risk, fart those two last farts and leave the last one for insurance. Two things can happen, poop your pants (sharting, doo doo butter, poopy pants,mudbutt,) or you can relieve your stomach of all that nasty gas and achieve instant gratification. its your choice. in most cases no one ever sacrifice the last life, before they are able to find a bathroom adiquate to your standards in the moment, but the pain and fear leading up to that majestic or miserable poop have haunted me since the 3rd grade.
beyond the fear of pooping your pants is the fear of using public bathrooms. what if sam walks in just as i finish and all they can think and say to me is, "wow, you really blew up this place?" i would be embarrassed and my dad would be ashamed and my girlfriend would break up with me, and my brothers would buy a dozen donuts split them up three ways and give my share to the cat. I dont care if there are toilet seat covers (i think they are bullshit) im not pooping in a public bathroom.

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