Tuesday, March 10, 2009

shitty shitting

Today at work I needed to take a shit, so I did. I locked the door behind me in the single bathroom, and was faced with whenever using a public bathroom, a question I have always had since I was a child. Toilet seat cover or no toilet seat over? Its something we all battle with, a deep internal conflict. Its been something I have always debated, sometimes I use them, sometimes I dont. I dont know if your parents are suppose to teach you this stuff? I was never educated of toilet sanitation and standards, it seems that taking a shit is a personal thing, personally I really enjoy because its just a place that no one really fucks with you, there is a mutual understanding that you just dont fuck with people when they are in the bathroom, its your time and you do what you need to do. Some people take long shits, some people take speed shits, some people use wash clothes, some dont. So what are the standards in the bathroom?

So,I decided to use a cover seat, why? Just because it was there. But last time I took a shit I didnt. Why? Just because I think they are stupid. honestly dont like the feeling of wrinkly waxy paper on my ass, I dont like the sound it makes when I sit down on it. I dont like how delicate this paper is, and if you dont follow the simple instructions of pull up, then down, then you might just rip it that shit.( went through about three sheets before I got it right.) I dont like how it sometimes doesnt line up with the toilet seat so you have to hover over the seat and adjust the paper. Sometimes I just want to shit, and I dont like putting much effort into preparing my seat. What am I protecting my ass from? What are other peoples asses going to give my ass? I dont even find asses that gross, I cant think of the things that you do with your ass that makes it so gross, beside shitting, I cant even think of the last time I had my ass in my face. The only way I could see this “protective” toilet seat cover working is if I needed to protect an open membrane (my asshole) from touching the toilet seat, and protecting it from STIs, im not sure how many people have made asshole to public bathroom toilet seat, but im sure that you have to make a effort just to make it happen.

I live in the dorms that I share with about 20 other people, and I assume that most of the guys on my floor shit at least once a day, and not once do any of those guys use seat covers, why? Because none are provided. Why is that sometimes toilet seat covers are provided and some sometimes they arent? I guess this is where all my confusion and deep hatred for toilet seats began, it wasnt until I had to take shits in public, or share a bathroom with people that are not my family. i have seen instance where people feel the need to cover the toilet to protect thier ass from deadly ass diseases. a technique i have observed is strategically placing individual sheets or strips of paper (you are an asshole if you do this.) But what is the difference between my brothers ass, and my roommates ass?

I talked to my friend claire about shitting, and she told me that she also had a fear of public bathrooms and that she didnt start using them until she got to college. I talked to my brother napoleon who has always hated using public bathrooms. Since I was in elementary school I had a fear of using public bathrooms, mostly because I was embarrassed to stank up the bathroom, and walk out the stall to find my friends complaining about how bad it smells. Or that I would fart so loud that the people taking a piss would laugh. I would wait all day and right when I got home I would take a shit. This was always way of avoiding public bathrooms. But now that everyday in the dorms I use public bathrooms, and almost everyday I dont use a seat cover, I have decided that I dont need a delicate thin protective cover, because I dont really need protection from anything, its awkward feeling, it makes tons of noise and people can obviously tell your about to take a shit, and its a waste of paper (you cant recycle it, you have no choice but to flush it.) so public bathroom users, fuck protective toilet seat covers.

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